Fate Fracture.

Do you ever wonder? Because I do.

I am sat here now, in my house in England. Hot tea steaming in a mug, dressing gown wrapped around my body for warmth. Single status and education based flowing thought. Yet, I have to wonder what fate I have allowed to pass me. Do you believe in soul mates, true love, mother nature, what-is-meant-to-be-will-be kind of love? I don't know where I stand with all of that, but I do wonder.

The reason I question this found me today. As I searched through my photographs to see the smiling face of a stranger, only to find him gone. The album containing his face, the memory of his smile vanished, like it was never meant to be. Like he was never there.

I had many reasons to like him, but it was his smile and how gentle he was when he swam through the sea with me. Later it became clear how much of an idiot I made of myself but how he didn't judge me for it. I met him whilst scuba diving. He caught my eye. Then I was given him to guide me. Keeping hold of my hand he asked me if I was nervous, admitting that I was, I was forced into a scuba diving suit and couldn't get it to zip up around my fat thigh. I do not show my legs in public, yet here I was being forced to show it. I became so flustered with embarrassment, I still cringe now. He asked if I needed help and I could have cried, he had to force the zip up around my thigh. Oh dear god.

As we swam it became apparent to me just how gentle he was, I couldn't take the smile off my face. He told me I had a beautiful smile. I almost drowned in the moment. We swam, and I began my dive, only to await the next embarrassing thing. I couldn't get anywhere with the dive, I couldn't get deep at all, it was killing my ears and I could not take the pain, he tried and tried to lower me, but I did not succeed at a level that he could. (Oh yes, forgot to mention on the way in, I decided to take the safe option and take the stairs, and I fell of the ladder into the water, cutting my leg). I pretended I was fine of course when he looked seriously worried.

So that was it, I couldn't dive. He saw my fat thigh, saw me fall off a ladder. I refused to spit in the goggles because I was shy so he did it for me. And then boom. To top everything off. I took my breathing equipment off and a combination of water and steam spat at him in the face. I couldn't ask for anything more could I?

So, that was it I had blown it. Dinner was served and I sat upstairs on my own on the boat. He came up and asked me to swim with him. Concerned for any further embarrassment, I declined, several times. Even when he waved at me from the sea. Beckoning me to join him. I shook my head.

On leaving the boat, I decided he would never turn back to say goodbye. But he did. I turned, and I turned again. He was still looking. Maybe I am still looking back now.

Such a small moment with great meaning. There are so many of them. But how important are they really?

I'm wondering if there is a fate, did I let it pass me by, or was it never meant to be? What are the chances of seeing this man ever again? If I do, there must be something 'meant-to-be' there, surely? The question I contemplate, cup to lips, heart in head. If I let fate pass me by, then did fate skip my crossing path? Do I therefore have a fate. Or is a new fate awaiting me?

With a little nudge... -->

<-- In the right direction.

--> I will either fight my fate...

<-- Or follow it.

But by rights, I will never know.

By Boneata Bell
10 January 2013


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